People who are naturally expressive or like to resolve conflict as quickly as it rears its head can easily relate to how difficult it is to deal with stonewalling from a romantic partner. It can make you feel gagged, as you have a lot to say but they are refusing to listen or communicate with you. You may even start to think they are unsympathetic and selfish for going silent on you in spite of how you feel about the situation.
Usually, a partner who stonewalls—that is, refuses to engage or hear you out midway into a conflict or heated argument—does not do so out of a desire to ruin the relationship. While it may seem like they want out of the relationship, it’s most likely not the case.
Here are a few things you can do the next time you are in this uncomfortable situation:
Write Down Your Feelings
You’ll be surprised that journaling your feelings can make you feel much better. Other people may refer to it as brain dumping, but it doesn’t matter what you call it. What really matters is that it works. After doing it, you will feel lighter and empowered to approach the issue from a different perspective.
Just Stay Still
This is hard, but try to remain calm during conflict. No, the world won’t come to an end if you stay calm for an hour or two. They’re your partner; they’ll definitely come around—and even if they don’t within a short period of time, it’s still okay.
Do Something Fun
For someone who is anxiously attached and inclined to catastrophizing during conflicts, it can be difficult to engage in a fun activity with your mind fully present. But think about it: the last time you thought they would leave you, they didn’t. And no matter how bad it seems now, there’s someone somewhere whose case is worse. So, go on TikTok or Instagram, watch a few funny videos, and just let yourself be in the moment.
Talk to Someone
This is usually the last resort. Involving a third party in your relationship comes with its own consequences, so be careful about how you share your challenges with friends and family. They might not have the complete picture of what really went down, so their contribution won’t always be fair. But it’s still okay to rant to a close friend or family member every once in a while if you can’t handle it alone.
And If You Must…
Let your partner know how you feel one last time. But make sure you don’t sound like you just want their attention. Clearly articulate how their action is making you feel: unimportant, unseen, unheard, or disregarded. Choose your words carefully. Don’t expect them to answer you immediately, though. Allow them the space they need to think things through and come back to you.
