If You Think You’re Dating a Womanizer, Here’s What to Do
He knows the exact right things to say and it’s giving you pause
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You just got home from a date with a guy who seems genuinely great. He’s funny, charming, and acts like he really cares about you. The two of you laughed and bonded all night, so why does something feel off like it’s almost too good to be true?
Is it because of how he flirted with the female server several times throughout the night? Or the women you ran into at the bar who seemed a little too comfortable around him? Is it jealousy or is something else going on? Are you special or does he act like this with tons of women?
These questions are valid and you aren’t overthinking (ok, you might be, but we’re going to unpack it all). If you think you’ve fallen for a womanizer, read on to find out what to do.
What is a “Womanizer”?
Womanizer is a term for a man who can get affection from plenty of women but does not have the intention of committing to any one of them. They’re charismatic and experts at flirting.
They will say and do things they don’t mean just to get a woman’s attention…and maybe even her heart. Player, man whore or rizz master…he’s someone who’s playing the field but enjoys the game more than seeing it through.
Online Dating and Womanizers
With the growing popularity of online dating apps, it’s become easier for womanizers to get tons of dates. They could pursue dozens of women in the same night, all at their fingertips. It’s gotten so prolific that women have gone as far as to create Facebook groups to see if they are dating the same man.
Expert researchers have even suggested that the main purpose of dating apps isn’t to help people meet in person. Instead, they exploit the users by turning their desires towards the app and focusing on gaining matches. When someone gets a match, they feel immediate social gratification and self-worth validation. This entices them to keep using the app.1
Womanizers do well on dating apps because they can send out the same charming “lines” to as many women as they want all while feeding that endless need for validation that the apps create. A womanizing type of man is a perfect tool to keep emotionally vulnerable dating app users coming back for more.
Some men particularly struggle to feel worthy and valid on their own. They may use dating as a way to outsource self-worth and seek validation…These men believe they bring little value to a relationship so they reject women before they can truly get to know them
Is There a Psychological Explanation?
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explains that there are various causes for men who exhibit ‘player’ behavior.
“Some men particularly struggle to feel worthy and valid on their own. They may use dating as a way to outsource self-worth and seek validation. Others find value in career or financial success but unfortunately are lacking in this area of their life and aren’t reaching their goals. These men believe they bring little value to a relationship so they reject women before they can truly get to know them.”
Some men who are players tend to objectify women. They only view them as a way to meet their needs, to use them and to boost their own status and ego.
However, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all psychological explanation for any behavior. Ricki Romm, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York who helps individuals and couples strengthen relationships and celebrate imperfections says that there are endless explanations.
“Some people might be exploring different parts of themselves that emerge in different relationships. Others might be avoiding the vulnerability of committing to a partner or partners,” explained Romm.
What To Do If You Think He’s a Womanizer
So you think the guy you’re seeing isn’t truly interested in you alone? First, you’ll need to see if they’re a womanizer or genuinely charming.
Romm shared that there are a few signs to look for. Someone genuinely interested will hopefully behave in ways that help you to feel safe and valued. They reach out consistently and follow up when they say will, as opposed to responding to texts sporadically or going dark.
They’ll also pursue a genuine connection. This means asking questions about you, sharing information about themselves and engaging in thoughtful conversation that goes beyond playful banter.
Should you keep dating them? Can they change?
This depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re certain they are a womanizer, then it’s up to you to decide whether they are meeting your particular needs. You can embrace these types of men because they can be a lot of fun to hang out with. They can make you feel good about yourself. However, you shouldn’t expect a lot from them beyond casual dating.
Dr. Romanoff explained that unfortunately, many men are skilled at faking genuine interest. However, all is eventually revealed with time. This is why it is important to take your time to slowly get to know someone. The cracks in the façade they portray will eventually be revealed and crumble.
“[I]t is important to listen more than you talk. Try to get to know the other person, his early life, his relationship patterns, and his goals for the future — all will help reveal parts of the puzzle to gain a more complete picture of the person,” advised Dr. Romanoff.
Dating Tips If You Haven’t Gotten What You Want
If it seems like you’re constantly getting played by men, it may be time to take a step back. Romanoff advises you to listen to your body. The emotions you’re feeling can provide a lot of guidance if you allow it.
It’s normal to feel some butterflies when you’re excited about someone new. However, if you feel gripping anxiety or consistent disappointment because you don’t know if someone is going to call or show up, it might be a sign that something isn’t working.
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Most of us don’t come out unscathed. The most important advice is to know yourself, what you’re looking for and your priorities.
Dr. Romanoff suggests going into each date or interaction deciding your boundaries and what you are comfortable doing with this person. When you are alone and have clarity on what you want — decide what your boundaries are — and then stick to them. To increase accountability, you can communicate them to the person, write them down, or tell a friend.
Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Most of us don’t come out unscathed. The most important advice is to know yourself, what you’re looking for and your priorities.
If you’re finding someone to have light and casual fun, then it’s unrealistic to expect the person you’re dating to want to get serious. If you’re looking for someone to share your life with, you’ll need to be clear about your expectations, recognize signs that don’t align with your intentions and act accordingly.
