5 ways to deal with problematic in-laws
In-law drama can sometimes be a lot to handle.
In Nigerian culture, family is of utmost importance. Marriage isn’t just a union of two individuals, it’s the joining of two families. Ideally, this creates a strong support system for the newly wedded couple.
But sometimes, in-laws can become more stressful than helpful. They may have unrealistic expectations, give you unsolicited advice, or simply clash with your personality. Whatever the reason, dealing with problematic in-laws can be a real strain on your marriage.
Traditionally, in Nigerian culture, respect for elders is paramount. This can make dealing with problematic in-laws even more tricky. However, there are ways to manage these situations and protect the peace of your new family unit. Here are 5 helpful strategies to consider:
1. Communicate openly and respectfully
Open and honest communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, including the one with your in-laws.
Talk to your spouse about the specific issues you’re facing with their family. Express your feelings calmly and respectfully, focusing on specific behaviours rather than attacking personalities.
Here are some conversation starters you can use with your spouse:
- “I feel a little overwhelmed by [in-law’s behaviour]. How do you think we can approach this together?”
- “I understand your mom/dad might have concerns, but sometimes their advice can be a bit much. Can we talk about setting some boundaries?”
- “I value your family, but I’d appreciate it if we could make some decisions together as a couple.”
2. Try seeing things from their perspective
Stepping into someone else’s shoes can be very helpful in situations like these. Try to understand where your in-laws might be coming from. Are they worried about their child’s well-being? Do they have cultural expectations that differ from yours?
Talk to your spouse about their family dynamics and traditions. This can help you understand their perspective and approach situations with more sensitivity. A little understanding can go a long way in building bridges.
3. Set boundaries with respect
To maintain any healthy relationship, including the one with your in-laws, establishing boundaries is important. Discuss healthy boundaries with your spouse and present a united front when communicating them to your in-laws.
This could involve:
- Limiting unsolicited advice: Politely but firmly express that you appreciate their concern, but you’d like to handle things a certain way as a couple.
- Setting boundaries on visits: Agree on a comfortable frequency for in-law visits and stick to it. You can also suggest having some activities together as a couple or family unit, diverting the focus from potential conflict.
- Respecting privacy: Discuss the level of involvement you’re comfortable with from your in-laws regarding your personal life and decision-making.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being disrespectful. It simply means establishing what feels comfortable for you and your spouse in your relationship.
4. Know when to say “Yes” and “No”
Sometimes, the simplest solution is learning to say “yes” strategically and “no” politely. Here’s how to do it:
- Pick your battles: Don’t feel pressured to agree to everything your in-laws suggest. Choose your battles wisely and focus on the issues that truly matter.
- The power of “Yes” (sometimes): Saying “yes” to reasonable requests can go a long way in building goodwill. However, “yes” doesn’t always have to mean immediate action. You can offer a timeframe or politely explain why it might not be feasible at that moment.
- The art of saying “No”: Saying “no” doesn’t have to be rude. Explain your decision politely, perhaps suggesting an alternative solution or offering to revisit the request at a later time.
5. Prioritise your marriage
While building a positive relationship with your in-laws is important, your marriage always comes first.
If your spouse’s family is causing stress or negativity in your relationship, prioritise communication and problem-solving with your spouse. Always discuss issues with your in-laws as a couple, presenting a united front with your spouse.
